My self esteem is shot to pieces. I mean, it was never at any great strengths to begin with, but it is slowly disintegrating into nothing, and the main reason why, is that he constantly criticises me. All the time. I don't work hard at my job. University is a doss. All I do is moan (which yes I do, but it doesn't have to be a critique as heck he moans A LOT). I'm ugly. I'm irritating. I'm lazy. The list is endless, and it's just worn me down too much now... It really hit me yesterday, when despite the fact that I spent the day doing something for him, for his organisation, and I did work hard (despite the fact I was knackered and my feet really hurt), I still did a good job, and I raised a lot of money, but all he could do was criticise me. It's physically exhausting.
Part of me just keeps on thinking, this is not the man I fell in love with... This was the man that constantly pushed me to do anything I wanted to do, taught me to begin to love myself again, to not define myself through my weight, to think that if I want to do something, I can do it... Encouraged my ventures. Now, I don't know... I remember driving back from Reading with him, talking about my plans for my Bulimia Clinic and him being proud of me, and talking about how I could actually do it... Now all he does is make jibes at people who suffer from eating disorders, and makes remarks such as "if I want any help off you, I have to have an eating disorder" (which is of course not true). He used to not be able to keep his hands off me, now I don't feel 'sexy' in his eyes at all... and I would've thought I'd be more physically attractive now rather than at the beginning of our relationship as I have hips, boobs, a bum etc. And lastly, I did not fall in love with the man that I am now scared of.
But because I have no self-esteem, part of my wonders, is it me that's changed? Perhaps I'm higher maintenance than beforehand (but I had an eating disorder beforehand?)... Maybe I am uglier, lazier, less enthusiastic, more moany etc. But the rational side of my brain, which doesn't usually win, is just telling me, that he has driven me to this... He has ground me down, so I have no backbone, and I get far too upset too quickly... I can cope with most other things... It's just him I can't cope with when things go tits up.
I know some of the time it is banter, and I'm fine with it, and we laugh, and joke, and play, but sometimes it's not. Sometimes it's really hurts me the things he says.
I am overwhelmed with the amount of work I've got to do for revision, as I truly understand nothing, and I just don't understand how I'm going to get it all done, especially as I've lost two days to bag-packing... Yes, I could've done some in the evening after work on thursday, but who wants to do revision once you've been working hard all day?
I'm just going to have to do a lot today before I go to work, and maybe do some tomorrow morning or evening (I hate easter...), and then do some in the evening after bag-packing, and then work my ass off tuesday day and evening. When all I really want to do is catch-up on my sleep a bit.
Okay, so here goes a productive day.
