I think one of the main things that might be keeping me back from fully recovering is my comparison to others, I look at people who still suffer from an eating disorder and I judge myself... I look at their thighs, their waists, their arms, everything and wish I was like that still. I look at myself today, and I can admit that I look alright... Having curves does make me look good, my favourite jeans fit me and I do look alright, but it's still that being waif-like and fragile I long for. I'm trying to express how I feel, and even in a blog that no one can read, I still can't pinpoint the reasons why. It's not a physical "I want to be thin", yet I don't quite know what it is. Maybe it's physically being able to see that I'm unhappy because I can't admit it any other way, maybe it's the safety net it provides in retrospect, maybe it's having that level of control over something in my life. I don't know. All I know is that I do miss it. I'm happier now for the most part than I ever was when I was ill; I'm not stupid, I remember the agonising, the lack of control, the unhappiness that came with Anorexia, but I still can't let go of it, not completely, not 100%.
