I've really noticed over these past few days how sensitive I'm being around food etc. I wouldn't say it's subconscious, but I'm beginning to feel more and more "aware" of the want to be thin; usually I can override it, rationalise it, acknowledge it but not to do anything about it. However this past week, Ian has pointed out a few times that I'm looking thinner, and I do feel thinner some of the time, and although I have done nothing to bring about this loss of weight, I feel good for it, and want to prevent weight gain, and the thought of putting on weight does terrify me... I'm not quite at the stage of beginning to restrict again, but I fear that if I don't do something soon, I will begin to again. I think I'll weigh myself tomorrow and see where I'm at, and go from there... Although, having written all of this, all I can feel is the rolls of fat on my stomach peeling over my pajama bottoms, and I feel disgusted in myself thinking of everything I've eaten today.
Also, when H said that A seems to have lost weight and she could feel her ribs and spine when she hugged her, it felt like a stomach had plummeted and I actually thought to myself "I can't see her now", knowing that she's going to be thin... I actually don't want to see my best friend because there's a possibility she's going to be horrendously thin... This is not normal, and I don't like it. I want to see my best friend, but I just can't stand feeling so fat compared to her. I don't know, my mind is such a minefield at the moment.
And of course I would have to be stupid enough to look at that bloody Nikki Grahame article, and all I can do is analyse her ribs, her arms, her legs, her stomach, her face, her calorie intake... Think to myself, how could I do that amount of exercise per day, and why is her calorie intake so high yet she's so thin.
Stupid, stupid, stupid eating disordered mind.
