Okay I'm having a major fucking freak-out... As in I am literally screaming "no"... Why? Because Ian wants me to choose somewhere to eat tonight. Why am I freaking out? I have no fucking idea, but I am, I am literally crying... And I'm sure it's got something to do with the nicotine, and everything else, and blah blah, blah... But I can't make a decision. I don't know where I want to eat. I hate making decisions. I don't like making decisions. I don't like eating. I don't want to be fat. And most of all, I really really really don't want Ian to be cross at me for being indecisive. I'm trying to breathe and I just can't. I can't do this. I can't quit smoking. I can't do it. It's making me such a bitch. I can't cope. My chest is genuinely restricted and I feel like I'm about to have a panic attack. And this is with a fucking patch on. Maybe I could have another patch? I'll google it now. Because I cannot freak out like this. It was all going so well, and now I'm a fucking failure of a freak. I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate how I am so out of control. I hate how I'm addicted. I hate myself. I hate how I'm scared of my boyfriend's reaction all the fucking time.
All I want is a cuddle. And my chest to not be so tight. And for my breathing to be normal. And to not feel panicky. But also a hug.
