I may have had a couple of drinks, but my emotions are still thoroughly in check and I'm not stupid... I am 99% convinced he is contemplating cheating on me with her... I just know it. He is acting more than just fucking friendly. I hate her, I hate him... I can't bare this. I am literally in tears... Every time I rationalise it, he just proves me wrong. Why can't he just love me. Why? Why! Or if he does love me, why does he insist on doing this to me...
I think what makes this 100 times worse, and why it feels like a kick in the stomach is because I had just accepted it, convinced myself that I was just being paranoid, and nothing was happening, and we were a happy couple, but nope, back to square fucking one. And of course I can't say anything because he's ill, and I've got to look after him... I am fucking human after all... And I just want to hold him, and make him feel better, but the thought of him with another woman just makes me physically sick. I went and cried in the bedroom under the premise I was getting into my pajama's...
I want to do something, anything... I need to do something. I need to know. I need her to know that I exist, his girlfriend of 4 and half years exists... The girlfriend who will look after him when he's puking, and he stays with him when he hits her, and spits at her... I want her to know that I exist. I need to know whether he is contemplating cheating on me. I need him to know the harm this is doing to me, because at this moment in time I want to die, the thought of him being with another woman, it makes me want to die. I want to run away and never see anybody ever again. As I write this, tears are streaming down my cheeks at the thought of it.
Please, please, please Lord don't let him be cheating on me. Please.
