Having spent the evening at work and talking to A about it in general (rather than the specifics) it has made me think. I wish that we could not be so up in arms with each other the whole time, what I should have done, in retrospect, is not said anything and said I was fine, and nothing was the matter, because I know that having spent the evening at work I would've felt fine about it. I couldn't help having a 'bug up my ass' because I didn't almost subconsciously, I didn't act grumpily on purpose at all, it was obviously just me expelling grumpiness... Because I really don't care about A coming round and playing xbox until silly o'clock in the morning, I don't. It's a completely reasonable request as he said, and I truly don't care... It was just the thought, in my over-tired state, of not being able to crash and cuddle up to my boyfriend after working, but instead having to walk on tiptoes and hide in the bedroom. That was purely it, the thought was just not appealing. As I tried to explain, I didn't tell him how I felt to try and change things, or to make him feel guilty or whatever else... It was just how I was feeling and he asked. However, retrospect is a beautiful thing and I'm sure I'll learn from my mistakes and whatever else.
What I have really realised/noticed, is that I'm fed up of getting so upset the whole time, and not having a backbone when it comes to him... I wish I had enough self-esteem/confidence/balls to just be like "whatever, I know how I feel, he would've calmed down later" but because he kept winding me up, and I wanted him to see that I wasn't doing all of these negative things he was accusing me of, I just got more and more upset.
I never wanted to be one of those highly-strung, emotional women, but I'm becoming one because I'm so low anyway, I can't seem to cope with anything out of the ordinary, and especially with him because of how he's acted in the past etc. it does feel like it's a whole lot worse than it actually is.
Driving back, I did admit to myself that I think I should go to the doctors, but I don't know if I could face it, particularly telling him that I need to go because I'm dreading his reaction, and in the inevitable scoffing at the thought of it.
We'll see...
