I hate, hate, hate how he is keeping secrets from me. I think what fucks me off most is the irony of it, as he's always said from the very beginning that honesty is the best policy, and you can't have a relationship if there's secrets. He may think I'm some form of psycho-bitch, which is fine, but I'm generally pretty happy with what he does as long as he's not cheating on me, and it's nothing horrendously illegal, and all of this vagueness with Den and now Adam, it just upsets me, as it feels like he tells me nothing anymore, and I have absolutely no idea what is going on in his life. I mean I find out from him telling Terry that he is going to consider the age waiver. I don't know anything that's going on in his life. I don't know what he's feeling, what he's planning on doing... We used to talk so much.

And this whole thing with B is upsetting me... my theory is, if you're doing nothing wrong, don't hide it. I've never had a problem with any of his other friends, so why hide this? I'd like to meet her. I'm sure she's nice. And he obviously likes her. Unless there is something to hide? It also comes back to the ironic, two-sided'ness of it... He doesn't like me having male friends, which I have accepted from the very beginning, and can see his logic, so I try not to have male friends as a courtesy to him. He was honest, and up-front about it, and I have tried to oblige. Heck, I think the only male friend I have is A, and we speak about once a month if that! But my insecurities just dog me, and make me think the worst. I don't know. It doesn't help that she's pretty.

Unless I'm horrendously mistaken, it's beginning to feel like the end of a relationship... Drifting apart, not talking as much, becoming more irritable with each other, lack of sex life (even before current inflictions)... I don't know. But, in the same breath, we had a lovely evening going for a walk and then going to the pub; I had so much fun, and it almost felt like things were semi normal, but I still had that nagging feeling in the back of my head that it was more like being friends than lovers.
I love him so much, and I think this is what is killing me the most, I don't feel like my love has diminished at all, despite everything that's gone on. I love him with all of my heart. I've given up on my dreams of being married and having kids because I love him. I remember when he said "I'd marry you if I meant I'd never lose you", and my heart filled with immeasurable joy. Now, I can't even imagine him contemplating that. I want to cry every time I think about it.

I wish I could confide in him about all of this, but I know I can't. Life would be so much easier if I could talk to him without fear of repercussions. Oh well. Deep breath, and carry on, and focus on the positives.