Just finding out that L is going into hospital has really thrown up some unexpected emotions that I thought for the most part had been laid to rest; I don't know, maybe as she was one of the few un-IP'ers and had the same feelings as me with regards to such things, I suppose it's feeling a bit strange to lose her... but also, I suppose it brings up the old feelings of competitiveness that AN thrives upon. I've eaten a lot today, there is no denying it... I've needed the energy for revision, and I've wanted to eat... No more, no less... But in retrospect, I am now hating myself for it, because of the fact that she is having to go into hospital. The same old feelings of "everyone is thinner than you", "everyone is iller than you", "you will never be like them", "you are fat"... They're starting to go through my head again, part of me even wants to purge... I know I won't, but I everytime I think I'm starting to get life on track, the same old feelings start rearing their ugly head again and dominate me.
The other day the girls at uni were saying that as soon as exams are over they were going to diet, and I was nodding and agreeing, and I began to think of ways I could safely diet... Just to become healthier, but now, all I can think about is once these exams are over I can lose weight, get back on track, not be the pig I've become.
I hate myself for feeling these horrible feelings, and I wish I could talk to somebody about them. I suppose I'm lucky in the sense that I am identifying these feelings and thinking about them rather than just acting upon them straight away, but in the same vein, I'm not fighting them either but instead agreeing with them.
I don't know, my head feels like such a mess at the moment... I can't do anything to jeopardise my exams, I know that much.
