I'm so thoroughly and utterly disappointed in myself and my grade, I know I shouldn't be as it is a high 2:2 and in other pieces of coursework and exams I'm getting 2:1's and 1st's, but still, I don't know. I just think I had such a good feeling about that piece of coursework, and I put so much effort into it, to then get a lower grade than expected it really has knocked my confidence, and more importantly questioned my abilities to be able to do a dissertation next year. Thankfully, I have had Ian (if only via text) as the voice of reason telling me that of course I have got over 2:2's this year, and although I resent most of the time his "don't worry so much" as he has no idea what it's like, it felt good this time round. I think my reaction to this also is a reflection on my worries about exams and how well I will do, and why oh why I have not reached panic mode yet; I'm hoping it's because I've learnt everything to the best of my ability and subconsciously I'm confident with what I know, but then again the very much conscious part of my brain is screaming "you will fail".
It doesn't help that with university stress comes dissatisfaction in other area's of my life, most notably and obviously with my body, and having to refrain from dealing with stress in the as per usual manner of restriction is just added pressure, but then again probably doing my body, my brain-power and everything else the world of good. We'll see. My distorted brain at the moment can only see a correlation between 'being ill' and 'doing well'; when restricting I seem to study better and get better grades (previous grades confirm this proposition)... This year where I have been 'eating normally' I feel like I don't know anything. There's nothing I can do about it now; I will have a good evening with H and let my brain sort out whatever knowledge I have retained (if any!)
