Coffee and a hot chocolate please....

I was going to write a really positive post, because life is going really well at the moment with me and Ian... I'll still write about it, but this time I find a caveat.

We have just been so great over these past few days, like yesterday he said he loved me during sex... it was unwarranted, it was unneeded, I didn't do anything special yet he still said it anyway, because (or at least I hope) purely because he meant it. It's moments like those that just give me butterflies and I couldn't stop smiling. It made me feel amazing. And there's just generally been happiness, I feel so good about life with him and I'm starting to think of a future together again, and not just getting from one day to the next.

And then I find a receipt on the floor so I pick it up, it's from a coffee shop for a coffee and a hot chocolate on the 19th, when I was at work all day... Now it could be for a whole myriad of people; it could be for Den, or Tabs, or anyone... But he didn't tell me about it, he didn't say "Oh I met up with so-and-so today" which just makes the mind wonder just that little bit more, because I don't care who he meets up with for the most part (perhaps Eva Green I might be a little on edge for), but it's the not telling, and finding out through a receipt just really cuts me to my core. I now have a million and one questions racing around my head and I want to burst into tears, but he's lying asleep in the next room to get up at any minute.
I can't say anything because everything has been so great that I don't want to ruin it, but there's only so much biting of my tongue I can do...

Anorexia.

I suppose eating disorders are really up in the air at the moment; HFC coming in leaps and bounds, creating this presentation for the OT students, people struggling generally, a swarm of media articles shoving it in our faces... Is it really any wonder I'm feeling a bit fragile?
All the same, it has made me think, and I was talking to S today during the presentation and it has truly made me realise how far I've come; granted at times I don't see it as a good thing, but I have... I am no longer the girl that would puke in plastic bags and hide them in her wardrobe, nor the girl who would prefer to hide plain toast in her boots than eat it, the girl that would spit out food in her napkin and feed it to the dogs and purge in fields. I am a completely different person who is for the most part healthy and happy. I know no longer have this secret controlling my every, living, breathing thought... I am me. I am not the anorexic, the one my parents worry about.

Through all of my research for this presentation, and through personal interest as well, I've been reading about Karen Carpenter and it does make me think, she died due to anorexia... She had such talent and beauty, most of which people could only dream of, and her life was robbed by this illness. I definitely don't want to be like that, so yeah sometimes I idealise what it's like to be ill, and think that I miss it, but once put in perspective, I do realise that in fact I really don't want to be ill again.

Letting go of Anorexia.

I think one of the main things that might be keeping me back from fully recovering is my comparison to others, I look at people who still suffer from an eating disorder and I judge myself... I look at their thighs, their waists, their arms, everything and wish I was like that still. I look at myself today, and I can admit that I look alright... Having curves does make me look good, my favourite jeans fit me and I do look alright, but it's still that being waif-like and fragile I long for. I'm trying to express how I feel, and even in a blog that no one can read, I still can't pinpoint the reasons why. It's not a physical "I want to be thin", yet I don't quite know what it is. Maybe it's physically being able to see that I'm unhappy because I can't admit it any other way, maybe it's the safety net it provides in retrospect, maybe it's having that level of control over something in my life. I don't know. All I know is that I do miss it. I'm happier now for the most part than I ever was when I was ill; I'm not stupid, I remember the agonising, the lack of control, the unhappiness that came with Anorexia, but I still can't let go of it, not completely, not 100%.

Lying

I hate people that lie... I think it's just pointless and unnecessary.... Excuse me whilst I go and have lunch with a penguin.

Meh

Having spent the evening at work and talking to A about it in general (rather than the specifics) it has made me think. I wish that we could not be so up in arms with each other the whole time, what I should have done, in retrospect, is not said anything and said I was fine, and nothing was the matter, because I know that having spent the evening at work I would've felt fine about it. I couldn't help having a 'bug up my ass' because I didn't almost subconsciously, I didn't act grumpily on purpose at all, it was obviously just me expelling grumpiness... Because I really don't care about A coming round and playing xbox until silly o'clock in the morning, I don't. It's a completely reasonable request as he said, and I truly don't care... It was just the thought, in my over-tired state, of not being able to crash and cuddle up to my boyfriend after working, but instead having to walk on tiptoes and hide in the bedroom. That was purely it, the thought was just not appealing. As I tried to explain, I didn't tell him how I felt to try and change things, or to make him feel guilty or whatever else... It was just how I was feeling and he asked. However, retrospect is a beautiful thing and I'm sure I'll learn from my mistakes and whatever else.

What I have really realised/noticed, is that I'm fed up of getting so upset the whole time, and not having a backbone when it comes to him... I wish I had enough self-esteem/confidence/balls to just be like "whatever, I know how I feel, he would've calmed down later" but because he kept winding me up, and I wanted him to see that I wasn't doing all of these negative things he was accusing me of, I just got more and more upset.
I never wanted to be one of those highly-strung, emotional women, but I'm becoming one because I'm so low anyway, I can't seem to cope with anything out of the ordinary, and especially with him because of how he's acted in the past etc. it does feel like it's a whole lot worse than it actually is.

Driving back, I did admit to myself that I think I should go to the doctors, but I don't know if I could face it, particularly telling him that I need to go because I'm dreading his reaction, and in the inevitable scoffing at the thought of it.
We'll see...

Just a tad over-tired...

I am so freaking over-tired I don't think I've got any room for any normal emotions. I just want to sleep or cry, or both. As soon as the 2nd of May is over I'll be slightly happier, although I am still unsure how on earth I'm going to pass any of my exams, let alone write a high standard piece of EU coursework, and it's all getting a bit overwhelming, but I also think I'm too tired to realise the extent to which I'm worrying about my work. C'est la vie. Trying to stay positive with Ian. Blaaaaaaaaahhh. We'll see...

You are a perpetual drain on my life. Ouch.

"Yes I love you... Despite my better fucking judgement"

"You are a perpetual drain on my life"

Just the kind of things you like to hear from the man that apparently fucking loves you. I fucking hate my life. I don't know how much longer I can do this for. This is destroying me.
I'm trying to rationalise it in my head that perhaps I'm over-tired, and so I'm only seeing the negatives in the situation, but it just seems like he was basically accusing me of taking the money, which I didn't. He didn't say it outright, but then again he didn't need to... Saying things like "Well I don't need to take the money, because if I want something I'll buy it because I have the money..." says, or at least in my eyes, that therefore my process of deduction you took it as you have less money than me.
It's just one thing after another.
I just the potential thought that he (or anyone else for that matter) doesn't trust me. For one thing, it's just not a nice feeling, and also I worry that he'll justify somehow within himself that it means it'll be okay for him to cheat on me for all of these negative reasons (like he did to C with me)

I don't know.