"It's hard to say I miss you; Since you've been gone it's not the same"
Well the first 24 hours have nearly passed since we "broke up", and 24 hours since the argument began, and to be honest I still don't know how I feel.
Last night I got into bed and had a little cry all over again; I'm surprised there's anything still left to cry but evidently there was. I feel so sad without him, every little thing reminds me of him; be it cows, tv programmes, music, everything. All are bittersweet memories. My parents said I need to think about what I want - do I even want to be with him anymore? In all honesty I don't know; part of me thinks well perhaps it was meant to happen - we've never broken up before, and we've always been able to make it up and this time we haven't been able to. Surely that's a good indication? On the flipside, the amount I am missing him, and the thought of living without him is unbearable as well... Is this just because I've got used to life without him? So many questions are flooding my mind.
I went to the flat to pick up some more clothes, and to leave a note for him for when he came to collect his stuff. He was there. This completely baffled my mind. Why was he there? Did he decide to sleep there because it was convenient, and then he could pack up his stuff, pile it into the Disco and then go? Did he come back to show that he didn't mean it? Why was his key in the door? It was not on his key-ring as per normal. Was it to stop me getting in? Was it because as soon as he packed his stuff up, was he going to post it through the letterbox? I can't take this not knowing part. It is killing me.
How could he say that he still loved me? Why can't he "put up with me"? Why doesn't he realise that I only "schiz out" when he yells at me unnecessarily? Does he really want to break up? Why do I feel like the bad guy for phoning my parents?
I haven't cried today which is good, but I don't know how much longer I can hold out. I've been able to think rationally today. I left him a poem basically telling him how much he loves me... I hope he responds one way or another. I don't want to go crawling to him, but I don't think I want to leave him either.
I am filled with such unbearable sadness I don't know where to begin. but in the same breath I can think clearly about life without him - Well I can just about.
I don't know, I just don't know.
How the fuck did this happen?
