I want to die. I want to slit my wrists so hard, feel the pressure of the cold blade as my warm blood runs, tainting everything. I want to die. I don't know what to fucking well do. I really don't.

I know he's feeling shit; I'm not trying to placate him, or give positive affirmations, I'm trying not to do anything that I think might upset him. I instead, try to make nice talk. Ask him whether he wants to go to that antiques shop tomorrow; in my eyes, it is non-comittal, could be a nice hour or so out, looking at things he's interested in, might spark conversation etc. but no, he doesn't want to do that, I accept it. He says that "nobody gives a fuck, so why should I?", so I reply "I give a fuck" and I get told to "fuck off" and "leave me alone"... In my eyes, I was just trying to be nice. I was doing anything that could be perceived as irritating or anything like that. I can't work out if this is me or not? In my eyes, I was just being nice. He had the option of me not being here, and he didn't take it.

I can't deal with him taking this out on me. I mean physically taking it out on me. Being nasty because he's feeling depressed. He says he's not taking it out on me, but in my perspective, he is.

I want to support him. I drove home thinking of all the things I could do, to not try and change things, but just to be there for him. 5 minutes in, and no. I evidently can't do anything right. So I'm at a complete and utter loss as to what to do. I can't ignore him. I have no intention of being nasty to him, firstly because no doubt he won't appreciate it, and secondly I'm not a nasty person. But he's said not to be nice either.

I know I don't understand what he's going through, I have not been through it, nor can I really relate to it. But to then tell me it is a competition? It's not a competition. As far as I can see I am presented with a rather simple problem. My boyfriend, whom I love and care about, is upset, therefore I will support him as best as I can. But I'm allowed to feel things as well. I'm allowed to feel upset because he's being nasty. So no, it's not a competition, and no, he has no idea how I'm feeling. Because, through all of my oh so many faults, I am not nasty to him. I do not say things to him for the sole purpose of upsetting him.

I really really really hope tomorrow is better because I don't know how much longer I can hold on. I'm not going to run out on him whilst he's at his lowest, but I also have my limits, and he may not be able to see what's he doing to me, but it's seriously taking it's toll on me.

I want to die. I hope he's asleep when I go back in.