I can't do this for much longer, I genuinely want to burst into floods of tears half the time. I don't think things are going to be the same, I'm scared of him, even though the reasons why he's pissed off are, for once, not to do with me, and he's said this, I'm still scared. I'm scared of him flipping out again. I'm not allowed to make noise this time, despite the fact that I was trying to actually do something helpful.
I know he's under a lot of stress, and things just seem to be going from bad to worse, which is why I'm trying not to react or do anything, but I still feel scared. I just wish I could do something, anything, I feel so helpless in all of this, and in the same breath I can't for much longer deal with him taking everything out on me. Even if it is indirectly. I have to suffer the consequences, and I feel like I'm constantly dreading on eggshells around the flat. I flinch whenever he gets angry. I am haunted by that car journey to Fakenham; it's like a broken movie reel in my head that just keeps playing and playing, and reminding me of what happens when he gets angry... The threats, the swearing, the hatred, the loathing, spitting at me.
And to seemingly top it all off, it looks like we can't even afford to live here much longer, and that will just be the death keel to our relationship. Again, I can't deal with things being how they were in Reading; I can't have untrusting, the constant stream of snidy remarks, the insistence that I'd prefer to work/study/be with other people rather than be with him, when all of them are not true.
Maybe I'm just being a girl and soppy, but I'd prefer to flat broke, or to get a second job, than not live with him, but he doesn't seem to see it like that. Despite everything, when the times are good, I like waking up to him, I like watching films together, I like having tickle fights, I like all of that... And I don't see that happening if we stop living together. In fact, when I said it would probably be the death keel of our relationship and I asked his thoughts, he didn't seem too fussed :(
I remember him looking so forward to us moving in together....
Maybe our relationship has run it's course? Maybe we just weren't meant to be. I really don't know, but I have tears in my eyes and surely that's an indication of how much he means to me?
