"and your my obsession, I love you to the bones"
I don't know why I insist on doing this to myself, usually once a month I seem to come across old pictures, or see other's looking thin, or become reminiscent and want to go back to it. I want to be thin. I want to be thin again with all of my heart. I look at myself and I am physically disgusted; I can see the rolls of fat, how my thighs no longer touch, my clothes feeling tighter, my bingo-winged excuse of arms, everything, and I hate myself. I long so much to be able to go back to being thin.
I'm just beginning to accept my body, enjoy my curves... I like my boobs, I some of the time think I look alright, but then I seem to ruin it all by becoming all negative again. It doesn't help that I am the heaviest I have been in a long while and this terrifies the living daylights out of me. And my weight just seems to be increasing no matter what I do. I mean, I know I eat more than I ever have been, but I don't think I consume an excess of 2000 calories, and surely now my metabolism should be working up to speed? I think for the next few days I should just monitor what I eat and begin to cut down on excessive eating, i.e. limited unhealthy stuff such as chocolate, biscuits, sweets, carbs, high calories drinks etc.
I don't know. I'll see what happens.
If I do this for a week, and I'll see what I weigh next sunday or monday and see if it's had an impact at all.
I'd love to be recovered or ill... I hate this in-between stage hating myself, yet not doing anything about it.
