Throwing up old feelings.

Just finding out that L is going into hospital has really thrown up some unexpected emotions that I thought for the most part had been laid to rest; I don't know, maybe as she was one of the few un-IP'ers and had the same feelings as me with regards to such things, I suppose it's feeling a bit strange to lose her... but also, I suppose it brings up the old feelings of competitiveness that AN thrives upon. I've eaten a lot today, there is no denying it... I've needed the energy for revision, and I've wanted to eat... No more, no less... But in retrospect, I am now hating myself for it, because of the fact that she is having to go into hospital. The same old feelings of "everyone is thinner than you", "everyone is iller than you", "you will never be like them", "you are fat"... They're starting to go through my head again, part of me even wants to purge... I know I won't, but I everytime I think I'm starting to get life on track, the same old feelings start rearing their ugly head again and dominate me.

The other day the girls at uni were saying that as soon as exams are over they were going to diet, and I was nodding and agreeing, and I began to think of ways I could safely diet... Just to become healthier, but now, all I can think about is once these exams are over I can lose weight, get back on track, not be the pig I've become.
I hate myself for feeling these horrible feelings, and I wish I could talk to somebody about them. I suppose I'm lucky in the sense that I am identifying these feelings and thinking about them rather than just acting upon them straight away, but in the same vein, I'm not fighting them either but instead agreeing with them.

I don't know, my head feels like such a mess at the moment... I can't do anything to jeopardise my exams, I know that much.

58%

I'm so thoroughly and utterly disappointed in myself and my grade, I know I shouldn't be as it is a high 2:2 and in other pieces of coursework and exams I'm getting 2:1's and 1st's, but still, I don't know. I just think I had such a good feeling about that piece of coursework, and I put so much effort into it, to then get  a lower grade than expected it really has knocked my confidence, and more importantly questioned my abilities to be able to do a dissertation next year. Thankfully, I have had Ian (if only via text) as the voice of reason telling me that of course I have got over 2:2's this year, and although I resent most of the time his "don't worry so much" as he has no idea what it's like, it felt good this time round. I think my reaction to this also is a reflection on my worries about exams and how well I will do, and why oh why I have not reached panic mode yet; I'm hoping it's because I've learnt everything to the best of my ability and subconsciously I'm confident with what I know, but then again the very much conscious part of my brain is screaming "you will fail".

It doesn't help that with university stress comes dissatisfaction in other area's of my life, most notably and obviously with my body, and having to refrain from dealing with stress in the as per usual manner of restriction is just added pressure, but then again probably doing my body, my brain-power and everything else the world of good. We'll see. My distorted brain at the moment can only see a correlation between 'being ill' and 'doing well'; when restricting I seem to study better and get better grades (previous grades confirm this proposition)... This year where I have been 'eating normally' I feel like I don't know anything. There's nothing I can do about it now; I will have a good evening with H and let my brain sort out whatever knowledge I have retained (if any!)

Stream of Lies

He is testing me beyond belief with his stream of lies, there is only so much "trust" and "love" and "good faith" I have before I hold my hands up and say I've had enough of being lied to ALL THE FUCKING TIME. Not the negativity I need the day before my exam. I hope he fucks off early to work - I need some time away from him otherwise I feel like I'll explode and he'll regret it big time.

Liar

At least I know what I'm dealing with, a liar, a man who will happily lie to his girlfriend's face without even blinking, and will delete the emails from H so as to cover his tracks and not even admit it to my face, I am sitting here, in tears, for about the third time today because of this. I didn't care, I had forgiven him for flirting with her, but he can't do even have the guts to look me in the eye and admit that he did it. Do I really want to be with a man like that? I don't know... I suppose if it was however many years ago then it doesn't matter and if he doesn't do it again then what's the harm... What's the harm? The lying. Conscious lying without even thinking about it. Anything to cover his tracks. I feel betrayed. I suppose I now need to make a choice...

Scared.

It is never alright to hurt somebody without saying sorry, I don't know if I went to the wrong school of manners or something, but as far as I'm concerned, if you hurt somebody and then the matter is cleared up then you say sorry. Evidently not.
I don't give two flying fucks whether it was a piece of toast or his hand, it still fucking hurt, it was dry and hard and it hurt, and I'm allowed to feel pain.

I was scared of him. For the first time in a long while it felt like nothing had changed, and I felt scared of being near him. I just pray that this is a one off and things aren't going back to the way they were....

Forgive or Forget?

I keep going over and over it in my head; shall I talk to him or not? I'm in completely in two minds about it; I've forgiven him for it, or at least I've forgiven him for the act of flirting with the intention to cheat (sounds a crime hahaha!), but there is still the part of me that wants to know exactly what happened; did he actually cheat, why did he even contemplate it with her? Was it something I did wrong? I mean it went on over a period of months so it's not as if it was a one off thing that he just didn't think about it - it was pre-meditated.

Part of me wants to confront him so I can ask all of those questions, find out what happened... We are now at a stage in our relationship where things are reasonably serious again, and I want us to move to Reepham and start a fresh, none of the nastiness of the past year coming with us. Happy together. Therefore, I feel like I need closure on this. But... If I confront him, what happens if he goes beserk and dumps me? The logical part of me would say "well, surely that's an indication of the man you don't want to be with", but, I'm not that strong, I love him, and I don't want to lose him, and therefore for the sake of me wanting 'closure', it's not worth the hassle attached to it. But will it always be a barrier to our happiness because I'll never know? I really don't know...
The silly thing is, is that I've known about it for ages, and I had laid it to rest, but now it's rearing it's ugly head again; I do think it's because we're becoming happy again and I want things to be perfect... But what if he thinks I'm just doing it to cause trouble, because I want an argument (like with the whole Eva locker thing). I don't know. I mean that is not my intentions at all, but he's not exactly the most rationale person when he's upset.

thoughtfully in love

I was talking to A last night as she drove me home, and we talked about boyfriend's as we're in similar positions - newly living together etc. and it really got me thinking, as I talked with pride and a massive smile on my face about Ian and how goddamn in love I am. I know that's stupidly soppy and disgusting, but I really am... I just feel like we're back to the old Sophie and Ian; I mean we've never been one of those disgusting PDA couples, or anything like that, but I don't know, I just smile at the thought of him again. Yes we've had some really rough times, but I really hope that we're coming out of it to be truly happy again. I spent the whole of last night at work missing him, and it felt really weird sleeping alone last night (even though I do it every time he's on a night shift).

It's also noticeable how much calmer I am recently, whereas beforehand I would feel upset, or pissed off, or any other form of emotion, now I feel like I have the emotional reserves to brush it off and carry on without it affecting me. I don't know. Maybe I'm thinking about things too much, but this is truly how I feel at the moment and I really don't want anything to burst my happiness bubble. Yes I'm still worrying about him and B, but again I feel like I can deal with it better, rationalise things, and convince myself that yes he does love me.